


Apastron

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, First War with Voldemort, Romance, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-02-06
Packaged: 2018-05-18 14:58:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5932504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Suspicion and uncertainty affect Remus and Sirius' relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Apastron

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

Sirius A ~

At least he wasn't trying to be amorous. Again. Sirius had never realised how uncomfortable getting rid of somebody could be. How many times could one say no? 

And even worse, how was it that he could still love Remus in spite of it? How? God, he hurt so much, the only thing he had left to keep him strong was his anger. All he wanted was to have his Remus back. 

Though he couldn't say when had he lost him. How had something so awful occurred unnoticed?

Sirius turned his head on the pillow, surreptitiously studying him. Remus wasn't asleep -- no surprise -- and his attention was far away. It had been like this for the past several weeks. 

He was probably wondering what to tell Voldemort next.

Sirius still found it difficult to believe that Remus was the traitor. He hadn't been able to find out much more since about the spy since finding that message -- or perhaps he hadn't wanted to find out more.

He pulled at the bedcover, hands trembling. Even though the shock had worn off, the anguish remained. Hadn't he loved Remus with all he was? He'd never felt desire for anyone else or wanted to. He'd done his best to make Remus happy and until now thought he'd succeeded.

And then he'd found that note on Remus' desk. Buried under a stack of papers Sirius would never have gone through if he hadn't been absolutely determined to find his favourite quill. It had been given to him years ago by his godmother and had miraculously remained in his possession still. But he'd discovered something else entirely.

The bold neatness of the writing had made the message stand out. Not the usual hurried scribble of Remus' writing. Not with the best of his efforts could Remus have written as neatly as that.

Of course Sirius had had to read it.

_Lupin~_

Your skills are fitting of our ranks. You are assured of generous rewards. 

Etched in place of a signature had been the Dark Mark. And then,

_Others among you are watching. Be warned._

Sirius' first thoughts had been of Voldemort. The spy Dumbledore had mentioned to them.

Why was this hidden among Remus' papers?

Why hadn't he shown it to him?

Unless...

He'd sat there stunned and actually felt a wave of coldness sweep through him. The very notion was incredible. Sirius has never doubted any of his friends, never. Only when...when Remus had hidden his curse behind lies.

He'd doubted Remus then, when his awkward excuses had left the other boys wondering at his absences.

But he was awkward no longer. Sirius had seen him carry on a detailed conversation with the other person not even suspecting everything was an untruth; their task against the Dark Lord sometimes demanded such things.

Could Remus do the same thing to Sirius, to the others? Would Sirius have noticed anything different if he hadn't found this note? The answer was probably no. 

And that information that had leaked -- only their group had had access to it. Only them. He wasn't the spy, and Dumbledore wasn't. James and Lily were in danger from Voldemort and his followers. That left only Peter and Remus.

Peter was... Peter would never dare do it, and why would the dark ones want him anyway? He had no great talent or skill. 

But Remus... Remus was a strong, powerful wizard with a full knowledge of the dark arts. He'd studied it with a hunger that Sirius had often wondered at, but never before imagined had evil intent. After all, Remus was -- had been -- his. 

His love and lover.

There was a spy among them. Remus had been warned that the fact was known, by both Dumbledore...and his Master. 

It was then that Sirius realised he'd already accepted the awful conclusion of his lover was the traitor. The facts could only be read that way...

_You are assured of generous rewards._

Doubtless they'd offered him something he couldn't give. His heart had squeezed painfully at the thought. What could it have been? And what had he done to earn it?

Sirius had sat there staring at the note until he'd heard Remus coming. The next time he'd looked for it again, it had vanished.

He glanced across at Remus now. Face composed, his long brown hair spilling over the pillow, pale skin paler against the black sheets. So beautiful...

He'd given Remus everything he could, all his love. Had it been so little that Remus could do this to him, to them?

Remus was moving toward him once more. Horribly, the image of a serpent coiling at his side suddenly appeared in his mind. He even heard it hissing...

"What?" he asked, startled out of his silence.

"I said I miss you, Sirius."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sirius B ~

Ever since he'd received that message, everything had seemed to sour and worsen. And Sirius was becoming more unpredictable and jumpy with each day that passed. Remus had even wondered if Sirius had found out about Voldemort's offer, but quickly dismissed it. He'd wouldn't have gone snooping through his papers, and Remus had destroyed the appalling thing, ashamed Voldemort would think he'd even consider joining him.

But now...they hadn't made love in so long, over a fortnight. It was unfathomable, but still he hoped to make the situation better. He missed him so badly. How could he sleep properly without Sirius' arms round him? 

Again, he edged nearer, aware of the now-familiar feeling of Sirius tensing at his touch. But he curled up close to him, whispering, "I miss you, Sirius."

"What?" he asked loudly.

Remus frowned at him worriedly. "I said I miss you, Sirius."

"...oh..."

After a silent moment, Remus dared to put an arm around his waist. Sirius didn't mirror the motion. didn't move at all. 

His coldness hurt.

Still, he pressed his lips gently over Sirius' heart. The tempo beating there was soothing; whenever he couldn't fall asleep, he would lay listening to it.

"I love you," he whispered.

Those silences had become familiar as well. Sirius said nothing, but Remus was sure he'd stifled a sigh. 

He couldn't stand this. He had to know why his lover was acting this way. "Sirius?" He hesitated. "What's wrong?"

"...Nothing."

Remus touched his forehead, laying his hand on his face. "Well, you don't feel ill." His forced smile faded as Sirius glared at him.

"I'm fine."

Remus laid his head down again, not wanting to see that look directed at him. Sirius had always treated him lovingly. What had happened in the past weeks to so change him? If only Sirius would tell him!

"Have you heard anything from James?" He didn't think it possible, but Sirius had stiffened further at the question. "It's been a while since we heard from them."

Sirius moved to lie on his back, pushing Remus away in the process. "No. I don't know where they are."

Remus leaned on his elbow, watching Sirius as he watched the ceiling. "That's good, I guess..." The hurt inside was growing.

Carefully, to avoid startling him, he once more snuggled against Sirius. The sigh this time was obvious. 

"Remus, I've told you, I don't feel like..."

Remus remained where he was, hiding his face in the crook of Sirius' neck. He barely breathed.

"Stop that."

"I'm not doing anything."

"You're tickling me." The tone was irritated.

Tickling? Oh. His eyelashes were brushing against his skin when he blinked. "Sorry." He shifted back a little.

Finally, Remus raised his head, but he couldn't look at him. He stared at the headboard instead. "Sirius, is there...? Have you found someone else?" Amazingly, he managed to keep his voice steady.

Silence.

He glanced at him sideways. Sirius was looking thoughtful.

Remus' heart lurched. He wouldn't cry, he told himself. He would be strong.

He buried his face in the pillow.

"Don't **do** that!" Sirius growled impatiently.

Blindly, Remus moved to his side of the bed, only then realising that the tears had succeeded in falling from his eyes. He suppressed the sob building inside him and shook with the effort. 

It took him some time to sense Sirius over him, wiping the tears with his thumb. Then he felt him kissing him, lips on his chest, and hands comforting him. The sensations moved gradually downwards until Sirius took him into his mouth, quickly arousing him.

He always knew how to do that, Remus thought dreamily through his pain, how to touch him -- just right.

It took him a moment before he realised he'd come into Sirius' mouth. It had all happened so fast. Sirius was laying at his side, sharp pale eyes examining him. He must really appear a mess if it had merited him that act of pity. Remus sniffled. 

He sat up, wearily glancing at his companion. There were streaks of wetness on Sirius' face, too. Why had **he** been crying? But Remus tugged at the sheet to gently remove the traces. Sirius submitted quietly, closing his eyes.

He studied the dearly-loved face as he cleaned. Whom could Sirius have met to take his place? And when? The only time they spent apart was when they were working against Voldemort.

Remus' hand froze in motion at the sudden thought. He stared down at Sirius. 

But that was insane, Sirius would never...could never --

Sirius' eyes fluttered open, and Remus caught the brief flare of panic in them. 

"Remus?" 

He said nothing. No, that couldn't be true. Sirius would never turn. He would never hurt him...

"Remus!" 

He felt sick. Saliva rushed to his mouth as nausea rose. Sirius was holding tight onto him now, painfully so. "Let go," Remus said. But he had to yank himself out of the hard grasp, sliding further away. 

"Moony," Sirius was saying, "I know I shouldn't say this, but I wouldn't hurt you. I couldn't, no matter --"

"Oh, God," Remus whispered. His mind was reeling. How could this be? How could Sirius have done this? 

**Others among you are watching. Be warned.**

The note had told him of the traitor in their midst, a subtle threat to go with the invitation to join, but **Sirius**. His lover...

Sirius, Remus thought, how could he lift a hand against his Sirius?


End file.
